Harmful Sexual Behavior Among Children

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(WARNING: Contains sensitive material.)

Personal Connection

Recently, a close friend of mine confessed that her twenty-year old daughter had just told her that, while in middle school she'd been inappropriately touched by another girl her own age.

         
When she was even younger, that same daughter also had an older girl force herself on top of her and grope her genitals, during a visit to a family friend's house.

        
When asked why she hadn't told her mother about the incidents sooner, the daughter had replied that, I was always warned to watch out for grown- ups who might touch me inappropriately, or the white van with the stalker inside, or someone trying to lore me in their car with a puppy. 

       
During that same conversation, the daughter had also admitted to being ashamed about the incidents and had blocked them out.

        
When I was teenager, I remember learning that one of my cousins had 'made a pass' at their younger sibling. I was appalled by the news. It shook me to my core. I couldn't comprehend why anyone would do that to a loved one.  

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Like my friend, I was stunned into sadness to hear her daughter's well-reasoned argument for not alerting anyone of the assaults.

As adults, we constantly warn our children to be wary of grown-ups who may sexually abuse them: never conceiving that other children or siblings could be potential perpetrators. Our naiveté on this subject stems from the lack of disclosure to the authorities and the media, as well as our disbelief, that children are sexual beings capable of such harmful actions. 

            
Stop It Now reports, that over a third of sexual abuse that occurs among children is committed by a person under 18 years old.

Culture of Safety states, that the younger the victim of the abuse is, the higher the probability that the offender is a minor. These are disturbing statistics that require our undivided attention.

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Professional Connection

As deplorable as it is to contemplate, sexual harm does indeed happen among adolescents and very young children. Sadly, I have been a witness to such events. One year in my kindergarten classroom, there were three sexual assaults among the students.

            
The first one occurred shortly after the start of the school year. While sitting at a table, a little boy put his hand on the private part of the little girl beside him. He refused to move his hand when she protested and tried to push it off.

            
The second one happened a month later, when another boy crawled under a table and kissed a little girl's private part.

            
The third one occurred closer to the end of the school year and was the worst. A little boy, who was new to the class, forced a girl onto a shelf and lay on top of her.

He put his hand down her underwear and wouldn't get off of her when she asked. Another child intervened and pulled him off of the little girl.

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Needless to say, I was troubled by each occurrence, but the third horrified me the most. I was so heartsick by the episode; I took off the following day.

At such a young age, I knew the boys couldn't appreciate the harmful consequences their behaviors were causing their classmates. Still, I needed time to collect myself, digest what had happened, and plan my lessons accordingly.

            
I reported each incident to the school office and they were investigated by the administration. The first two boys were placed in the other kindergarten room, while the third remained in my classroom.       

            
I was extremely uncomfortable with the third child being so close to the boy who had harmed her.  I couldn't understand why he was allowed to remain in my classroom, when the two other boys had been promptly removed.

            
Apart from my reporting the third incident and receiving a notification of the boy's suspension, the school administration never communicated with me again about the event. No plan of action was discussed; no follow up by the administration regarding prevention and student safety. 

         
The third boy stayed home for two days, and after a meeting with the school counselor, he returned to class.

            
While I was home, the office had handled the situation, and it appeared that all parties involved were content with the outcome. 

          
 For my part, after dealing with the three sexual assaults, and a host of other socially, emotionally challenged students, I was too burnt out to pursue administration for their opinions. I did what I could through targeted lessons on good touch, bad touch, and by separating the third boy from the little girl.  

            
Of course my lethargy, didn't assuage my concerns. 

           
I felt responsible. I had been present for each episode. My assistant and I discovered the first two almost immediately. 

          
However, during the third episode, my assistant had left for the day, and I was in the middle of a small group lesson on the other side of the room. I kept telling myself, "It's difficult to watch over and instruct 30 kindergartners by yourself". The mantra didn't ease my conscience.

            
Often, children who commit these harmful acts, have been victims of sexual assault themselves, or have been regularly exposed to adult sexual activity or pornography. In addition, these same children may have either experienced or witnessed some form of physical or emotional abuse at home.

            
In other cases, children are just exploring their curiosity about their bodies.

            
So, how can you tell the difference between the two? 

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Distinguishing Between Sexual Harm and Curiosity

Whether it is innocent curiosity or a visceral response to mistreatment, a child who performs a sexual action toward another child, can do serious harm. 

         
One common way children explore sexuality is through playing games like "doctor". Once this expressive method is identified, it can be corrected with a conversation about respecting another's privacy and keeping everyone safe. 

         
What is cause for alarm is when a child continues to display aggressive behavior, after being corrected.     

            Other potentially harmful behaviors include:

            *Older children spending a large amount of time with younger children.

            *Maintaining physical contact with another child who refuses the attention.

            *Forcing another child to have sexual intercourse.

            *A child speaking sexually to children or adults.

            *Children viewing child pornography.

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Awareness and Prevention

 Sexual harm among children is under reported, which in turn leaves children as vulnerable targets, unprepared to handle uncomfortable and confusing situations.

Instead of alerting an adult, the victimized child will often internalize the incident, blaming himself for what happened.

If left untreated, this feeling of self-guilt can lead to a lifelong pattern of depression, self-harm, and drug abuse.

            
According to Dr. Gemma McKibbon, from the University of Melbourne, a proactive way to prevent child-on-child sexual harm is to teach age-appropriate sex education classes to elementary students, warning them that other children may hurt them in this way.

Additional strategies to help protect children from mistreatment are:

*Let children know there are trusted adults with whom they can talk.

*Observe how children engage with each other.

*Teach children to be respectful toward themselves and others.

*Reach out to organizations that specialize in child safety and welfare for information to educate your entire family.

*Design a safety program for your family and with your child's school. Parents Protect! offers a downloadable family safety plan booklet at: https://www.parentsprotect.co.uk/resources.htm.

*Be vigilant. Images of violence and abuse are evident in video games, movies and television shows. Curtail how much of this media your child views.

*Model appropriate social and familial behaviors.

*Spend quality time with your child and have meaningful conversations.

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If you suspect that your child or a child you know is harming other children get help immediately. Stop It Now! is an organization experienced with these behaviors.

            
You can contact them at their national, toll-free line: 1-888-PREVENT (1-888-773-8368). 

               
How would you deal with this situation in your family or classroom?

Violence In The Classroom

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Violence in the classroom, those two words should not be in the same sentence, let alone be allowed to occur in a school setting. Unfortunately, it does occur, every single day in classrooms across the country.  

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Each morning parents send their children to school expecting them to be educated by caring teachers in a safe and secure classroom. 

While some parents may be nervous entrusting their child to an adult stranger, they have peace of mind knowing that teachers go through a vetting process that includes a criminal background check, a child abuse clearance, and an FBI clearance.

Yes, teachers and administrators are approved to be in the classroom, but what about the students? In my 17-year career as a public school teacher, I witnessed a lot of violence enacted by children in my classroom. So much so, I had to leave the profession due to stress and mental fatigue.

What grade did I teach? The answer might surprise you. It wasn't middle school or high school. The last 3 1/2 years of my career I taught Kindergarten. That's right, Kindergarten. 30 students in a regular education setting, where both diagnosed and undiagnosed socially/emotionally disturbed children were placed.

I was expected to teach all of these students and achieve measurable results through differentiated instruction, small and large group instruction, and following the IEP (Individualized Education Plan) goals of special needs children. A tall order when classrooms are overcrowded and your district has cut funding for vital programs and essential school personnel.

Things happened in my classroom you had to see to believe. One school year there was three sexual assaults in my classroom: children assaulting children. That same year, one of the students who'd committed an assault, tried to stab two classmates with a pair of scissors he'd brought in from home.

I've had chairs thrown at me and tables pushed into me. I've been punched, kicked, bitten, slapped, pinched, spat on, and pulled to the floor. I've had students empty an entire classroom library of books, throwing the books and book bins at their classmates.

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I've had students push classmates down the stairs, stab each other with pencils, flip over shelves, jump and tackle students while they sat on the carpet, and down right brawl during instruction. 

One student liked to open and slam the door while I taught, another would sometimes scream whenever I opened my mouth to speak, or just scream for the sake of screaming. One student threw chairs at his classmates for fun! He laughed while he did it.

On more than one occasion, I had to remove students from the classroom due to violent outbursts by their peers. Children can't learn when a classmate is throwing chairs at them or climbing on cubbies while throwing pencil boxes and lunch bags at them.

When I couldn't control the severe and dangerous behaviors I was penalized. My principal gave me poor scores on my observations. To some this may sound unbelievable.

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How could a teacher be held accountable for the actions of children, who should be learning social norms at home, and receiving the medical support they need from their parents? I asked myself that question everyday until I resigned from my position.

This is the first school year that I'm not teaching. I had hoped that the teacher who took over my classroom would have a better experience than I had, but according to one employee who works there, things are still the same. This cycle of educational neglect needs to be undone.

What more has to happen before we as a society take collective responsibility for our nation's educational future? Many of us are so busy pointing fingers at those with differing points of view that we've lost sight of the truth: our nation's children are losing out on their inalienable right to a free and fair public education that is rigorous and utilizes the latest research-based methods.

There has been a strong push to increase the literacy skills of students. Our students need to compete in an ever-evolving global economy. While I agree that being literate is essential to a productive society, I would argue that nurturing our youngest citizens mental health should come first.   

 

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It is a moral imperative that we safeguard the welfare our future. Parents and educators alike must make their voices heard for this essential need. Parents have to work together with teachers, petitioning leaders and volunteering at schools to fill the void left behind by so many cutbacks. 

     
It is a daunting task, but together those of us who believe in our children can achieve what some have forgotten, that all children regardless of race, religion, or gender are our only hope. Let's give them the tools they need to succeed.